So, those two little lists I made a couple of weeks ago got me to thinking. The odds that those “unsatisfactory current elements” are going to go away anytime… EVER… are pretty slim if I remain in my current situation. My first thought was to advance myself in my current career. I took a realistic look at my long term goal of one day designing and building renewable energy systems. I determined what it would take to get me there, and then began poking around for educational opportunities. I would basically have to become an electrical engineer to pull it off. I started looking at some of the engineering programs around here; the course descriptions, the sample class material, and I quickly surmised that… … … I don’t care. I don’t like energy enough to put that much effort into it. I don’t really want to study about amperages and voltage drop calculations and nominal insulation thicknesses and conduit fill capacities. I don’t care enough about it to spend the next, God knows how long, trying to learn enough to actually do something fun with it.

Okay. Fair enough. So the next question was this: If it were my job, my career, to study something; if I could choose something to be a student of until the day I retire, what would that be? Money aside… career opportunities aside… what do I really want to make it my life’s work to learn about?

“I’ve just had an apostrophe”
“I think you mean an epiphany”
“Lightning… has struck my brain”
“That must’ve hurt”

When I was in college and didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but needed to pick a major so I could, you know, graduate… I chose Health Promotion. Not because I was excited about the career opportunities that the future might hold, but because that’s what I really wanted to study, there, at the time. So why didn’t I continue, you ask? Why didn’t I pursue a related career after graduating? It was too limited. I was a bit disenchanted by the focus on the human body. Diet and exercise, diet and exercise… cardiac rehab, weight loss programs, diabetes management… program fitness, cholesterol screening…. I didn’t want to work with sick people all the time. I wanted to work with healthy people. Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket! Healthy people. I’m not talking about GNC-pill-popping-20 minutes-on-a-treadmill, healthy people, either. I’m talking about walk-your-dog-to-the-farmer’s-market-after-your-yoga-class, healthy people. I’m talking about my-diet-is-so-balanced-I-don’t-need-a-multivitamin, healthy people. That’s what I’m talkin’ about!!! [cue ray of sunshine and choir of angels], “Aaaaahhhh”.

Stay tuned….

I’ve been grumpy lately. And for no apparent reason. I’ve got no complaints. There’s nothing wrong. Things are generally running pretty smoothly, but I’m grumpy. I’ve a serious case of the I-don’t-wanna’s. I don’t wanna go to work. I don’t wanna stay home. I don’t wanna go out. I think pretty much the only time I’m not entirely disenchanted with my surroundings lately is when I’m at the gym or on the soccer field.

Something unspeakable. I’ve always been rather gifted at untangling knots. Not this one. I ever get the impression that it’s all fake. That I walk through days, through activities in places with things… and without… and there’s nothing to it. There’s nothing real in it. It whispers by my cheek like today’s warm spring breeze. It’s a flicker of light through the shadow of leaves, but the leaves tremble and change the shape of the shadow and the light is gone. Gone. Same as is ever was. Same as it ever will be. So why try? Nothing will change. On the other hand… if nothing will change, then what have I got to lose from trying?

Here’s a list:

Reading/Writing
Soccer
Beer/Spirits
The human body
Building/making/designing/creating
Cooking
Outside

Those are things that I either love or know something about… or both, really.

Here’s another list... A list of elements currently in play in my life that I would like to avoid in the future:

Monotony
Inactivity
Lack of challenge

Is there a purpose that will make itself known? Will there be a time when I can look back on my life and not feel like it is so much wasted time? Is there a reason that I have walked the paths that I have walked… and not others? Is it leading me to salvation… or to ruin?