This morning the wind was blowing through a huge pine tree and making that “wind blowing through a huge pine tree” sound, like a river. The air was unseasonably warm but still had the smell, the taste of winter on it. I stood there for uncounted moments and let the wind blow through my hair like the tree. I imagined that my hair made the same sound as the tree, like a river. When I opened my eyes I was still a girl and the tree was still across the street. But the same wind is blowing through us. We are standing in the same river, that tree and I. The tree seems happier about it somehow. Dancing and singing; keeping perfect time with the rhythm of the wind. Maybe someday I’ll learn that tune. Maybe I’ll be able to dance and sing along.

It’s a good thing that I was informed of my raise shortly before finding out that my car would immediately need a $300+ repair. He goes in tomorrow. There goes my “get the hell out of town” money for a while.

Today Jason brought me into his office and informed me that there was going to be a coordination meeting so that the General Contractor could discuss some conflicts.

“What conflicts,” I ask?
“They wouldn’t say,” says he.
“They wouldn’t say. [pause] I’ll be down at the job site, if you need me.”
“Why, what’s up,” he asks.
“We have to go to a meeting to discuss ‘conflicts’, but they won’t say what. That sounds like an invitation to walk a mine-field. I’m going to go see if I can figure out what we fucked up so we can mount a little bit of a defense.”

Turns out I forgot to include a few… okay several rather large items that probably should have been on the initial coordination drawings. I can see that now because I have 2 years of experience looking at engineering drawings. Bear in mind that I started this job 2 years ago, so when I was doing the initial drawings, I not only was completely inexperienced at drawing in AutoCAD, I was a complete rookie at the reading of such drawings.

If you’ve been reading this for a while, you may recall a story where I related that our COO, Rob, was making promises all over town that our company couldn’t keep regarding our CAD capabilities. I have spent the better part of my time with this company trying to create a “CAD Department” (me) that could keep those promises. If it turns out that my efforts culminate in the proverbial “too little, too late” scenario, and I take any heat for it, then here’s a promise for you: I am outta there so fast, I don’t even care if I have another job lined up to pay the bills. I’m just gone.

That’s just me venting. In actuality, I have no reason to suppose that my company won’t stand behind me. Aside from being egregiously under compensated for what I do, I really have had the full support of this company from the get-go. Which is to say, they buy me all the gear I need and I get a lot of pats on the back. That said, it’s clear to me that this is the beginning. This situation relates to one of those Death or Falling Tower cards that spells the end of something.

It’s worth noting here that for all of my bitching and moaning about my job, it occurs to me that the crux of the matter is much deeper. That if I were actually happy about my life in general than all of the problems in my job would either work themselves out, or render themselves so insignificant as to be relatively ignored. After all I’ve never heard “happiness” being defined as: A coordination meeting void of conflicts.

FIRST CARD: This covers you. This describes the basis of the situation. Tells the general atmosphere, the querent’s current state of mind in this situation.
[Death (Reversed): Destruction, loss, failure of plans. You are facing a complete break with your current life.]

SECOND CARD: This crosses you. Shows obstacles or ameliorating circumstances; events or situations which currently exist or are coming up in the immediate future which will have a direct effect on the situation in question.
[X of Swords (Reversed): A possible gain but only a temporary one. Any profit or success will also not be permanent.]

THIRD CARD: This crowns you. Describes the querent’s ideal aim in this matter and/or the best the querent can hope for. Also represents the immediate future.
[Justice (Reversed): Bigotry, inequality, bias. Abuse of justice. Unfair punishment; excessive severity.]

FOURTH CARD: This is beneath you. The foundation of the situation. Events in the immediate past which are now influencing the situation.
[VII of Swords: Hope and confidence. New attempts at overcoming previous failures.]

FIFTH CARD: This is behind you. The influence or set of circumstances that is in the process of being completed. This environment is now changing.
[The Empress (Reversed): The unknown. Doubts and difficulties. Indecision. Selfishness. Loss of power, inability to solve problems or make useful plans. Ignorance.]

SIXTH CARD: This is before you. The future influences the querent can expect; the change in personal environment that either should or will occur.
[V of Cups (Reversed): Bitterness, frustration, an unhappy marriage; all due to poor choices and unrealistic expectations. Surprises, false projects, false promises.]

SEVENTH CARD: This is you. Shows the querent’s stance or attitude towards herself and/or the situation. As a result, shows how the querent is likely to act in this situation.
[The Tower (Reversed): Calamities and losses. Oppression, adversity, deception, tyranny. If this represents the querent, you’ve overstepped yourself and are about to pay the price. It is disaster resulting from the fact that you believed you had powers or authority that in fact you don’t, or because you used your powers or authority unwisely or for the wrong reasons. In simple terms: you blew it, and your resulting downfall is your own fault.]

EIGHTH CARD: This is your house. Represents current environment or surroundings. Shows the querent’s effect on other people and on events in general.
[Queen of Swords (Reversed): An evil woman, with the power to do harm and evil intent as well. Malice, bigotry, deceit. A situation which will cause you intense unhappiness or at least great embarrassment.]

NINTH CARD: This is your hopes and fears. Reveals the querent’s innermost thoughts regarding this situation. Shows feelings towards people, events, circumstances surrounding the situation. Feelings about self and chances for success or failure.
[III of Wands: A dignified approach to your enterprise. Indicates cooperation as well as maturity as the keys to successful action. More generally: success in business or trade; negotiations. A solid foundation can be or has been established.]

TENTH CARD: This is the result.
[III of Coins: Enterprise. Commerce. Skilled labor or the acquiring of skills; ability craftsmanship. Personal nobility; rise in prestige; renown and glory.]

If the Major Arcana predominates in the reading, then it is the querent’s own psychological or spiritual condition that will determine the outcome of the situation. The Major Arcana explains the personal changes or growth the querent is going through which will affect either her outlook or the way she deals with the situation. In effect, the querent has control of everything that is happening or is going to happen – if she can control herself.

If the ruling suit is Swords, then enemies, bad luck, or other adverse influences are hard at work, and good influences will find it much more difficult to operate. Be very careful.

[Tarot for Beginners by: P. Scott Hollander]

Capricorn
December 21 - January 19
Unless you want to get into an intellectual sparring match today, you might want to just stay home, dear Capricorn. It could be, however, that this battle of the wits is staged to take place in your very own kitchen, so perhaps you should take a long walk by yourself to avoid others. Or simply prepare for battle. People aren't apt to be very sympathetic to your cause, so wear your suit of armor.

I didn’t stay home. I didn’t go for a long walk. I went to work. But it’s a good thing I read this before I got into the “sparring match” today, because I did pack my suit of armor. It was the only thing between me and my CFO today. Lucky him. Were it not for this astrological warning I might have been unemployed before noon. My last paycheck was missing $5.75. I asked the CFO about it and he explained (with the most infuriatingly smug little smirk on his face) that the City and County of Denver charges a local tax for the privilege of working in the city and now that I am splitting time between the office and the job site I was just going to have to “just be tough about this one”. What I wanted, ever so badly, to say was, “You wanna see a girl get tough about this one? You got it.” Grab a box, go to my office, collect my personal affects and be gone. But I didn’t. What I did was stand there wearing my most ambivalent “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” face and then said, “Okay” as if I just didn’t care. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am at my most dangerous when just I don’t care. I could do anything. I could walk out of there, I could spit in his eye, I could torch the place… because I just don’t care. I did none of those things either. I went back to my office and I paced it fuming.

“So…. Let me get this straight. If I were to get into my car and drive it down to the job site, I could add up my miles to the tenth and expense it. If I had to pay for parking downtown, I’d get reimbursed for that too. But to actually sit in the office down there and DO MY JOB!!... THAT, for some reason, I have to pay for. So, it’s only $5.75. That’s almost $70 a year. If that’s not such a big deal to you, then YOU eat it. Me? I’m 29 years old, I have a Bachelor of Science, I rent a room in my sister’s house, I just sold my car because I can’t afford it, I now drive around in a 1986 P.O.S., and $5.75 a month is one less six pack of beer I can drink to help me deal with your smug-ass. I don’t know if you know this, but most people at least get a ‘cost of living’ increase if not a raise at the beginning of the year, but me? No, I just took a pay cut. I don’t care if its 70 CENTS a year, I should not be out of pocket for doing something that benefits this company.”

Thus went my heated monologue… or something like it. But after I calmed down I realized that $5.75 is probably worth it considering that what I will probably be doing (more and more frequently in the coming year) is signing out of the main office and heading down to the job site… to drop something off… and then… leaving. Going home to walk my dog on the company dime. [Insert “Ha-haa” noise from that kid on The Simpsons]

When I told my mom I was studying Tarot she laughed. Then she proceeded to buy for me a book on the mystical origins of the Tarot. I love that she supports even my most absurd ambitions.

Is divination really so absurd?

F. David Peat wrote, “Just as no one can step into the same river twice so too can no one think the same thought twice. For the act of thinking changes the thinker.” If any validity can be given to Carl Jung’s notions of a “Collective Unconscious” and we were to combine these two ideas, then are we not sketching onto the tapestry of our very reality with every thought? The Tarot is every bit as much about intuition and interpretation as it is about synchronicity and coincidence in the draw of the cards. Concentrating solely on the mind for a moment, the presence of and interpretation of the cards is, if nothing else, just a way of giving the questioner (or querent) the opportunity to think about the given situation. If the thought changes the thinker then the divination has served its purpose.

Reductionism is the classic trap. Using Spinoza’s example of a bridge made of stones, it is tempting to think of the bridge in terms of what it is made of: a collection of stones. A wall made of stones is also a collection of stones, but it is not a bridge. There is more to “bridge” than the sum of its stones. There are properties that govern its structure. There are intangible forces at work that clearly differentiate bridge from wall, from pile of rocks even though all are a collection of stones. The absurd notion here is to think of all things made of stones as being the same thing. Yet modern science continues to hunt for the ultimate elementary particle: the most basic foundational building blocks of the universe. What difference will it make? Is it not clear that even if there is one manner of elementary particles that are the building blocks of all things, that all things are not the same? That no matter how clearly we are able to define the physical makeup of a thing, we are still no closer to understanding the nature of the thing without also understanding the intangible properties that are at work that differentiate that thing from some other thing made of the same stuff?

Are all thoughts made of the same stuff? What differentiates the thoughts of the past from the thoughts of the present from the thoughts of the future? What differentiates the thoughts in my head from the thoughts in yours and does the sum of all of our thoughts have properties as a whole that make it something different, something more than the sum of its parts? Thoughts (as far as we have yet to determine) are not things. They have no mass or weight or volume. It cannot (yet) be demonstrated that they exist in a specific place. Is it so absurd to entertain the possibility that they can be exchanged without the use of verbal communication? Might the interpretation of the combination of chance (or coincidence, or synchronicity) and intuition be just such a vehicle if it were possible?

This is my first foray into this discussion. It will likely not be my last.
Enjoy… Jess.