So it was a Saturn year last year. It has taken me an entire year after to get over it and move on, and will probably take considerably more time sorting out what I’ve learned from it. What I’m going to take with me, and what parts of myself did a piss-poor job of dealing with the crap, and hence might best be left behind.

RECAP: In January of last year I got a dog. I fell in love with her instantly, I trusted her implicitly, and I lost her before she knew her name. Four months later I blew my knee. Had surgery in July. The following three months saw me in some of the worst financial straights of my life. Had to sell my car in October. (Understand that purchasing that car was the first truly adult act of my life, so having to sell it was defeating in a way that I can’t properly articulate.)

So there I was. Swimming at once in sadness and guilt, anger, boredom, frustration at the banality of my existence, and doubting, for the first time in my life, my ability to be an independent adult person. Of course, as fate would have it, this is the time when I meet the first person in years that I actually want to be with. Splendid. I’m rubbish at this game to begin with. I suck at charming women on my best day. Needless to say that didn’t work out.

So. What did I learn? What do I take away from all that and what do I scrap?

I know now that I’m not as confident as I once thought. Or, more accurately, I only act in situations where I feel completely confident. Risk is not in my vernacular. I’ve learned that loving big can negate reason, negating reason can be fatal, and in the end its all worth it and must not be regretted or forgotten lest the loving gets lost with the pain. I learned that activity is a basic need of mine: eat, sleep, love, move. I learned that independence and maturity are not synonymous. Being entirely independent is… well… stupid. Sometimes the most mature thing you can do is ask for help.

It’s 40 degrees and pissing rain in Denver. I originally had a bike ride and a hike planned for after work this evening. Plans have changed. I now plan to spend the evening with Joan Didion. I will sip Mate Rooibos and she will tell me about “Magical Thinking”. Late in the evening when most of the lights in the neighborhood have gone out, Bacchus and I will put on our jackets and go take in our first good dose of Colorado fall.